Before I share, lets back up a week or so....
When I went to the Equine Affairs I was really excited to hear Julie Goodnight speak. She had a couple of seminars on rider fear. I really took to heart the things that she said, and even bought her book and CD. I felt like the things she had to say really helped me to intellectualize my fear and put it into perspective.
One of the things that really impacted me was an equation she shared:
FEAR + GRIEF =DEBILITATION
It was in relation to post traumatic fear. I was surprised to find that most of my fear fits the post traumatic category, even though I haven't ever had a terrible wreck on a horse. I do have some "suspects" though, which I will share later.
Here is an excerpt from Julie's book Ride With Confidence! :
"Sometimes a traumatic incident in other areas of your life may lead to an increased fear around horses... Characteristic of post traumatic fear is a sense of loss and a high degree of frustration. A sense of grief can compound the feeling that you have lost something you once had, something very dear to you:the ability to ride unencumbered by fear. Sometimes people even fear that they have lost their riding ability and no longer have the skills they once had. " page 19
These words were written about me! I have been so frustrated by my fear of cantering. I know that I am not and never will be the worlds greatest rider. But, I used to have a halfway decent seat and I used to ride without fear. Riding horses used to be one of the things I thought that I was good at... Sometimes when I have climbed on the horses that I have started in the last couple of years I have been so afraid. I have always "done it anyway," but sometimes it wasn't too much fun.
"FEAR+ GRIEF =DEBILITATION This means that you can not deal with both of these emotions at once; it is simply too much for a person to handle. If you are suffering from this sense of loss and frustration in addition to your fear of horses, thinking that you no longer have the ability you once had before your injury, you must set aside your grief and deal with the fear first. You must have faith in the fact that you still have the same skill and ability that you had before your injury. You still have the same knowledge and skill with horses, you have just temporarily misplaced it. Once you have regained your confidence, you will ride like the wind again." page20
When I was able to identify grief as part of my AOF equation it was like a light bulb went off in my head! One of the things that I grieve is the loss of the 20 some years without horses. Even though I know that horses wouldn't have fit into my life for most of that time, I still often think to myself, "I need to enjoy every moment of this day with this horse... I don't have a lot of years left to enjoy them..."
Wow... that's a lot of pressure!
The other part of grief that I recognized was the loss of my first horse. My parents sold her right after I earned 6th place at the State Fair and had just completed the County Fair. They didn't tell me about it until the last day of the fair when my horse was loaded into some other girl's trailer to go home. Her loss makes me sad even just thinking about it now, 20 some years later. She was my world as a teenager.
So I have spent some time working through my grief in the last week or so. Acknowledging it, feeling it, moving past it. I know that it will pop up again as grief is wont to do, but I have decided not to try to bury it any more.
And today I reaped the first benefits of that hard work! I cantered on Delight! I have cantered her before, even hand galloped her. But today was different. I feel like something has broken free. I felt relaxed. I felt my seat moving with Delight. My head was clear. We did flying lead changes. It felt like my "feel" for the canter came back! My hands and feet and muscles were moving without direction from me. It was a huge breakthrough.
"You still have the same knowledge and skill with horses, you have just temporarily misplaced it."
Yes I have!
*Adult Onset Fear
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